Always a Good Idea

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“Paris is always a good idea.”

I made my first trip to Paris by train when I was living in Germany in my early twenties. Ever since I started traveling internationally at age seventeen, my goal had always been to blend in, be respectful of other cultures and attempt to speak some of the local language. I’d never been much for tourist attractions or crowd experiences, for the simple fact that they felt overwhelming and inauthentic. I preferred connections with real people and opportunities to learn about their lives. The last thing I ever wanted to look like was a tourist.

And then I arrived in Paris and saw the carousel…

Something about the sight of the carousel next to the Eiffel Tower activated a sense of magic in me. As the type of person who used to shove herself into those twenty-five-cent toy car rides at shopping malls long after puberty, I became fast friends with the carousel.

It was also my birthday, and being on the carousel felt lighthearted and joyful.

I really needed a break from the kind of rigid thinking that accompanied my then fifty-to-seventy-hour work weeks as a civilian working with children for the US Army. Although time with children activated a certain spontaneous creativity, the world of military regulations just wasn’t lighthearted, joyful or invigorating.

Being on that carousel lit me up and reconnected me with a part of my true nature…a spirit of play. It also kicked off one of my most epic birthday celebrations, which included friends chasing me with silly string through the streets of Montmartre, the famous artists’ district, at night. I could hardly breathe, I laughed so hard. It’s one of my favorite memories.

After that first birthday trip to Paris, I returned to my stressful job in Germany and continued the struggle to make lives better for military dependent children. Beyond the system being messed up, there was something inherently taxing in watching children say good-bye to parents being deployed to war. What was even more taxing was that I knew I wasn’t totally being my authentic self. I wanted to be “normal” and have a predictable job, although I really wasn’t cut out to be in such a routine. I survived in the military world for a while because part of my personality is very particular and literal. However, unless it’s channeled into creative projects, that part of my personality can be less than fun.

I hit a point a year and a half after that trip to Paris when I realized that I’d gotten far out of balance with my own well-being and spirit. During one of my calls home to the states, my stepmom suggested that maybe it wasn’t the healthiest to be crying daily from stress.

I took her words to heart and asked myself, “Is this who I want to be in the world? A frustrated, unhealthy person?”

I had a steady salary with benefits, a gorgeous apartment with a view, the ability to travel Europe on weekends or paint in the studio I made in my apartment, and amazing friends. Yet the work situation wasn’t sustainable long term for either my health or my artistic spirit. I knew deep down I was meant to be creating…even if I hadn’t yet considered doing so as a profession.

With the encouragement of friends and loved ones, I left that job for the unknown. Although it weighed on my heart to leave the children while their parents were deployed, I had to trust that others would pick up where I left off in advocating for them. As much as I wanted to save the world, I had to save myself first.

When I chose to set myself free, Paris was the first place I wanted to visit. I wanted to feel the magic of the carousel again. I bought an Eiffel Tower keychain that I carried for years to remind me that we always have the choice to change our lives.

The Eiffel Tower became a symbol of freedom to me. That’s why it has shown up in so many of my paintings. The carousel became a symbol of finding joy in simplicity.

Years later, I returned to Paris as a professional artist to take thousands of photos for future paintings. I actually forgot to take a ride on the carousel that time! I guess I was having so much fun, I didn’t need the reminder.

I can’t say I’ve achieved the kind of non-touristy interactions in Paris that I’ve aimed to have in most countries. Instead, I am a sucker for walking around the city eating croissants, drinking hot chocolate and seeing the Eiffel Tower from every perspective possible.

The energy of Paris gave me permission to just be a tourist and enjoy simplicity.  I learned there that it’s always a good idea to show up in life, and sometimes it’s enough to just be happy about the little things.

In the paintings I make, those little things, the details, when added together, make the bigger pictures.

Side note: La Magie du Carrousel translates to The Magic of the Carousel. When I was working on the title for this second painting of the carousel and the Eiffel Tower, I brainstormed online with the eight-year-old daughter of one of the friends I used to work with in Germany. Special thanks to Emma Kinnear for suggesting “magic” be in the title.